tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3428553326921888153.post2265964353921746054..comments2023-03-31T08:29:01.134-05:00Comments on Cerebral Vomit: The Quest, Part FourMax Silverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14780327947508044771noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3428553326921888153.post-49490186291488148722011-09-11T19:38:50.758-05:002011-09-11T19:38:50.758-05:00Correction, there are three masts. My bad. My brai...Correction, there are three masts. My bad. My brain skipped over that part.yes, I am a n00b DMhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03970134660149372138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3428553326921888153.post-63871208145854568282011-09-10T23:48:59.136-05:002011-09-10T23:48:59.136-05:00Very good, as always. One problem, though.
"...Very good, as always. One problem, though.<br /><br />"With a grunt, he yanked the chain, sending the man flying through the air and smashing into the mast with the force of an elephant, cracking it in two before it shuddered and fell back, crushing more of the sailors under it."<br /><br />This passage is a little rough. (Which isn't to say my own writing is never rough. I think, having my own rough spots has helped me develop as a writer. Still a long ways to go, though.)<br /><br />Anywho, consider the merits of something like:<br /><br />"With a grunt he yanked the chain sending the man flying through the air, smashing him into the mast with the force of an elephant, and cracking it in two. The mast shuddered and fell back, crushing sailors and warping the deck by sheer weight."<br /><br />Mine is a little clearer but still misses something.<br /><br />Also, one must wonder what happened to the man slammed into the mast. I'd suspect death by massive damage, but I'm still curious to the specifics. For instance, did the impact split open his skull? Was it merely a glancing blow which obliterated his leg, so that he drowns from not being able to swim? Did he scream for his mother or wet his pants as he hurtled toward the (only?) mast?<br /><br />And suddenly I realize why there are 5 final destination movies.yes, I am a n00b DMhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03970134660149372138noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3428553326921888153.post-81451157873642316672011-09-06T23:49:01.491-05:002011-09-06T23:49:01.491-05:00Wow again...just started The Quest and had to skip...Wow again...just started The Quest and had to skip forward...again! <br /><br />Garek is a badass.ipenkahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16836090393033706793noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3428553326921888153.post-68278133388113459162011-09-05T05:58:16.629-05:002011-09-05T05:58:16.629-05:00Quality as always, loving the story.Quality as always, loving the story.The Angry Lurkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01227314379603418332noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3428553326921888153.post-41749279327481714622011-09-03T20:53:01.395-05:002011-09-03T20:53:01.395-05:00Battles make me smile. They are man in his natural...Battles make me smile. They are man in his natural state.The Offenderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00045094738585676707noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3428553326921888153.post-83342262834691550862011-09-03T16:59:30.414-05:002011-09-03T16:59:30.414-05:00are you okay?are you okay?Lexsahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00185043452151683069noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3428553326921888153.post-28052183425946250332011-09-03T06:08:34.612-05:002011-09-03T06:08:34.612-05:00This is a grand battle scene! Awe-inspiring combat...This is a grand battle scene! Awe-inspiring combat, for sure!Shockgrubzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00268844926880083612noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3428553326921888153.post-12887611873400883912011-09-03T00:57:30.043-05:002011-09-03T00:57:30.043-05:00great post
+followgreat post <br />+followDamonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10855065954787383085noreply@blogger.com